Let's see.  Where was I?

Ugh!  Too much has happened.  To summarize:

I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine why certain Jock files were not working.  I never found out.   However, the non-Jock files worked fine.

Meanwhile ...

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I can hear all of you saying what was with all the Jock files and the desire to be a dumb-as-shit jock?  Well, in case I forgot to write about that, the Jock files stopped working when I got back into listening to hypnofiles after taking a few years off to take care of Mom, who had developed Alzheimer's.  Doing that 24/7 for a few years took its toll on me.

Eventually, Mom put herself in a nursing home; I got the house ready to sell, I moved to a smaller place, sold the house, and eventually, Mom died.

I started using WMM files again.  I found out the Jock files that worked so well before didn't work any longer.  I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine if all hypnosis files that were not working or if it was only some Jock files that would not work.  I never found out why certain Jock files were not working. However, non-Jock files worked fine.

Life was rather boring.  I rather appreciated boring, er, sedate.  I needed nothing to do for a while. Well, my life had been too sedate or ordinary or something and my let's-fuck-with-my-mind fairy decided to have some fun.  She whacked my Scales -- I'm a Libra and this was one of those rare (great, but much too rare) periods in my file where everything was "in balance" and peaceful -- hard and set my mind to swinging first to one side, then the other.

After decades of peacefully identifying myself as a gay male, albeit a rather asexual gay male, I had some rather violent upheavals in my life.  For me, the violence was mental, not physical, this time.  The question was poignant and rather strange:  "What if, instead of being gay, I was trans?"  I have no fucking idea where that idea had come from.

My mind wouldn't stop thinking about that.  I kept thinking of things that might support or reject it.  I came to one conclusion.  I had no idea if this was true or not.  I didn't have any idea of how to prove or disprove this.  Being gay?  I could point to certain physical and mental traits.  I was attracted to guys.  I enjoy gay sex.  (I even went out and picked someone up to ascertain if I liked gay sex or the idea of having gay sex.  It's official; I enjoy anal and oral and ... whatever.  I even had some interesting fetishes.) I was, more or less, a twink.  I love musicals.  I dress well.  I am superb at interior decorating.  Mom always asked my advice on what to wear (or buy).  I fit so many gay stereotypes.  I was even femme.  I didn't quite have a limp wrist ... but I had the walk down in elementary school.

But ... everything that "proves" I'm gay could also be used as evidence that I am a trans female in a male body ... a trans woman in a man's body.  Was I an extremely feminine male or a female in the wrong body?

I did whatever I did when I have a problem.  I did some research.  I was trained as a librarian; I love finding out stuff.  This was a great excuse to spend hours on the net looking at obscure websites which had esoteric trivia.  I was in heaven ... I had an excuse to spend hours and days looking at strange sites and weird (even for me) facts.

I won't bore you with the esoterica now.  (I'm not promising about boring you with it later.)  I decided the answer was ... maybe.

I wasn't happy with that answer, either.  I found tests and took them.  One test -- the COGIATI (https://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) -- kept giving me answers I didn't like.  The test's answer was "maybe" ... and later, possibly ... and later, probably.

Interestingly -- and I just discovered this two hours ago -- I did NOT do what I did when I was asking "What it I'm gay?"  Then, when I was asking if I was gay, I bought every book I could find on being gay, what to expect, the reactions I could expect, everything.  I had a not-so-minor library section of gay non-fiction and gay literature, erotica, and ... well, everything.   When I was looking for information on being gay, I devoured what gay history was available.   I also had information on where to cruise, lists of gay bars, how to cruise (yeah, I was that inexperienced), and everything else I could think of, including the theology of why churches condemned gays (and why they were wrong).

Tonight I read my first book on being trans.  My boyfriend Joe -- an FTM transman -- loaned it to me. He thought I would find it interesting.  I agree; it is fascinating.  It's also the first book I've read on the subject.  Literally.  I have not read one word on what to expect, biographies, or any other non-fiction.  I haven't read any books or articles or websites on any of the various subjects.  Nothing on legalities, no erotica, no fiction ... nothing. Oh, yes, I did some searching and found facts.  What I should expect to go through. What to talk to your therapist about.

I have vast gaps in my knowledge.  I know nothing about the various operations.  I will probably need to undergo at least one or two of them.  My only knowledge of the effects of various hormones is what has happened to me when I took them.  This is not "normal" for me.  Usually, when I am faced with ... something, I am, at least, a walking encyclopedia on the subject.  Sometimes, I could teach a course on the subject.

But being trans?  Other than the basics -- knowing I had to find a therapist and convince him/her [her: Bobbie] that I was a female in a male's body, then find an endocrinologist [Dr. Jesse] who would prescribe the hormones (Hormone Replacement Therapy), and then finally find a surgeon -- I limited my searches to stuff I needed to know.  Where could I find a therapist?  Can I find an endocrinologist who is close and competent?  Maybe even a support group? Things like that.

I have no overwhelming sense of needing to know everything now.  I am totally at ease with finding out what I need to know when I need to know it.  I have never approached any other subject like this.

Now I understand what everyone has been saying since I started taking estradiol on July 28, 2016.  I was "laid back", "calmer", more  "peaceful".

This is kind of overwhelming.