Let's see. Where was I?
Ugh! Too much has happened. To summarize:
I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine why certain Jock files were not working. I never found out. However, the non-Jock files worked fine.
Meanwhile ...
Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I can hear all of you saying what was with all the Jock files and the desire to be a dumb-as-shit jock? Well, in case I forgot to write about that, the Jock files stopped working when I got back into listening to hypnofiles after taking a few years off to take care of Mom, who had developed Alzheimer's. Doing that 24/7 for a few years took its toll on me.
Eventually, Mom put herself in a nursing home; I got the house ready to sell, I moved to a smaller place, sold the house, and eventually, Mom died.
I started using WMM files again. I found out the Jock files that worked so well before didn't work any longer. I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine if all hypnosis files that were not working or if it was only some Jock files that would not work. I never found out why certain Jock files were not working. However, non-Jock files worked fine.
Life was rather boring. I rather appreciated boring, er, sedate. I needed nothing to do for a while. Well, my life had been too sedate or ordinary or something and my let's-fuck-with-my-mind fairy decided to have some fun. She whacked my Scales -- I'm a Libra and this was one of those rare (great, but much too rare) periods in my file where everything was "in balance" and peaceful -- hard and set my mind to swinging first to one side, then the other.
After decades of peacefully identifying myself as a gay male, albeit a rather asexual gay male, I had some rather violent upheavals in my life. For me, the violence was mental, not physical, this time. The question was poignant and rather strange: "What if, instead of being gay, I was trans?" I have no fucking idea where that idea had come from.
My mind wouldn't stop thinking about that. I kept thinking of things that might support or reject it. I came to one conclusion. I had no idea if this was true or not. I didn't have any idea of how to prove or disprove this. Being gay? I could point to certain physical and mental traits. I was attracted to guys. I enjoy gay sex. (I even went out and picked someone up to ascertain if I liked gay sex or the idea of having gay sex. It's official; I enjoy anal and oral and ... whatever. I even had some interesting fetishes.) I was, more or less, a twink. I love musicals. I dress well. I am superb at interior decorating. Mom always asked my advice on what to wear (or buy). I fit so many gay stereotypes. I was even femme. I didn't quite have a limp wrist ... but I had the walk down in elementary school.
But ... everything that "proves" I'm gay could also be used as evidence that I am a trans female in a male body ... a trans woman in a man's body. Was I an extremely feminine male or a female in the wrong body?
I did whatever I did when I have a problem. I did some research. I was trained as a librarian; I love finding out stuff. This was a great excuse to spend hours on the net looking at obscure websites which had esoteric trivia. I was in heaven ... I had an excuse to spend hours and days looking at strange sites and weird (even for me) facts.
I won't bore you with the esoterica now. (I'm not promising about boring you with it later.) I decided the answer was ... maybe.
I wasn't happy with that answer, either. I found tests and took them. One test -- the COGIATI (https://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) -- kept giving me answers I didn't like. The test's answer was "maybe" ... and later, possibly ... and later, probably.
Interestingly -- and I just discovered this two hours ago -- I did NOT do what I did when I was asking "What it I'm gay?" Then, when I was asking if I was gay, I bought every book I could find on being gay, what to expect, the reactions I could expect, everything. I had a not-so-minor library section of gay non-fiction and gay literature, erotica, and ... well, everything. When I was looking for information on being gay, I devoured what gay history was available. I also had information on where to cruise, lists of gay bars, how to cruise (yeah, I was that inexperienced), and everything else I could think of, including the theology of why churches condemned gays (and why they were wrong).
Tonight I read my first book on being trans. My boyfriend Joe -- an FTM transman -- loaned it to me. He thought I would find it interesting. I agree; it is fascinating. It's also the first book I've read on the subject. Literally. I have not read one word on what to expect, biographies, or any other non-fiction. I haven't read any books or articles or websites on any of the various subjects. Nothing on legalities, no erotica, no fiction ... nothing. Oh, yes, I did some searching and found facts. What I should expect to go through. What to talk to your therapist about.
I have vast gaps in my knowledge. I know nothing about the various operations. I will probably need to undergo at least one or two of them. My only knowledge of the effects of various hormones is what has happened to me when I took them. This is not "normal" for me. Usually, when I am faced with ... something, I am, at least, a walking encyclopedia on the subject. Sometimes, I could teach a course on the subject.
But being trans? Other than the basics -- knowing I had to find a therapist and convince him/her [her: Bobbie] that I was a female in a male's body, then find an endocrinologist [Dr. Jesse] who would prescribe the hormones (Hormone Replacement Therapy), and then finally find a surgeon -- I limited my searches to stuff I needed to know. Where could I find a therapist? Can I find an endocrinologist who is close and competent? Maybe even a support group? Things like that.
I have no overwhelming sense of needing to know everything now. I am totally at ease with finding out what I need to know when I need to know it. I have never approached any other subject like this.
Now I understand what everyone has been saying since I started taking estradiol on July 28, 2016. I was "laid back", "calmer", more "peaceful".
This is kind of overwhelming.
Ugh! Too much has happened. To summarize:
I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine why certain Jock files were not working. I never found out. However, the non-Jock files worked fine.
Meanwhile ...
Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I can hear all of you saying what was with all the Jock files and the desire to be a dumb-as-shit jock? Well, in case I forgot to write about that, the Jock files stopped working when I got back into listening to hypnofiles after taking a few years off to take care of Mom, who had developed Alzheimer's. Doing that 24/7 for a few years took its toll on me.
Eventually, Mom put herself in a nursing home; I got the house ready to sell, I moved to a smaller place, sold the house, and eventually, Mom died.
I started using WMM files again. I found out the Jock files that worked so well before didn't work any longer. I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine if all hypnosis files that were not working or if it was only some Jock files that would not work. I never found out why certain Jock files were not working. However, non-Jock files worked fine.
Life was rather boring. I rather appreciated boring, er, sedate. I needed nothing to do for a while. Well, my life had been too sedate or ordinary or something and my let's-fuck-with-my-mind fairy decided to have some fun. She whacked my Scales -- I'm a Libra and this was one of those rare (great, but much too rare) periods in my file where everything was "in balance" and peaceful -- hard and set my mind to swinging first to one side, then the other.
After decades of peacefully identifying myself as a gay male, albeit a rather asexual gay male, I had some rather violent upheavals in my life. For me, the violence was mental, not physical, this time. The question was poignant and rather strange: "What if, instead of being gay, I was trans?" I have no fucking idea where that idea had come from.
My mind wouldn't stop thinking about that. I kept thinking of things that might support or reject it. I came to one conclusion. I had no idea if this was true or not. I didn't have any idea of how to prove or disprove this. Being gay? I could point to certain physical and mental traits. I was attracted to guys. I enjoy gay sex. (I even went out and picked someone up to ascertain if I liked gay sex or the idea of having gay sex. It's official; I enjoy anal and oral and ... whatever. I even had some interesting fetishes.) I was, more or less, a twink. I love musicals. I dress well. I am superb at interior decorating. Mom always asked my advice on what to wear (or buy). I fit so many gay stereotypes. I was even femme. I didn't quite have a limp wrist ... but I had the walk down in elementary school.
But ... everything that "proves" I'm gay could also be used as evidence that I am a trans female in a male body ... a trans woman in a man's body. Was I an extremely feminine male or a female in the wrong body?
I did whatever I did when I have a problem. I did some research. I was trained as a librarian; I love finding out stuff. This was a great excuse to spend hours on the net looking at obscure websites which had esoteric trivia. I was in heaven ... I had an excuse to spend hours and days looking at strange sites and weird (even for me) facts.
I won't bore you with the esoterica now. (I'm not promising about boring you with it later.) I decided the answer was ... maybe.
I wasn't happy with that answer, either. I found tests and took them. One test -- the COGIATI (https://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) -- kept giving me answers I didn't like. The test's answer was "maybe" ... and later, possibly ... and later, probably.
Interestingly -- and I just discovered this two hours ago -- I did NOT do what I did when I was asking "What it I'm gay?" Then, when I was asking if I was gay, I bought every book I could find on being gay, what to expect, the reactions I could expect, everything. I had a not-so-minor library section of gay non-fiction and gay literature, erotica, and ... well, everything. When I was looking for information on being gay, I devoured what gay history was available. I also had information on where to cruise, lists of gay bars, how to cruise (yeah, I was that inexperienced), and everything else I could think of, including the theology of why churches condemned gays (and why they were wrong).
Tonight I read my first book on being trans. My boyfriend Joe -- an FTM transman -- loaned it to me. He thought I would find it interesting. I agree; it is fascinating. It's also the first book I've read on the subject. Literally. I have not read one word on what to expect, biographies, or any other non-fiction. I haven't read any books or articles or websites on any of the various subjects. Nothing on legalities, no erotica, no fiction ... nothing. Oh, yes, I did some searching and found facts. What I should expect to go through. What to talk to your therapist about.
I have vast gaps in my knowledge. I know nothing about the various operations. I will probably need to undergo at least one or two of them. My only knowledge of the effects of various hormones is what has happened to me when I took them. This is not "normal" for me. Usually, when I am faced with ... something, I am, at least, a walking encyclopedia on the subject. Sometimes, I could teach a course on the subject.
But being trans? Other than the basics -- knowing I had to find a therapist and convince him/her [her: Bobbie] that I was a female in a male's body, then find an endocrinologist [Dr. Jesse] who would prescribe the hormones (Hormone Replacement Therapy), and then finally find a surgeon -- I limited my searches to stuff I needed to know. Where could I find a therapist? Can I find an endocrinologist who is close and competent? Maybe even a support group? Things like that.
I have no overwhelming sense of needing to know everything now. I am totally at ease with finding out what I need to know when I need to know it. I have never approached any other subject like this.
Now I understand what everyone has been saying since I started taking estradiol on July 28, 2016. I was "laid back", "calmer", more "peaceful".
This is kind of overwhelming.
