DESIDERATA - You Are A Child Of The Universe - original version

WHO PUT THE PECKER ON THE SNOWMAN

Let's see.  Where was I?

Ugh!  Too much has happened.  To summarize:

I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine why certain Jock files were not working.  I never found out.   However, the non-Jock files worked fine.

Meanwhile ...

Yeah, yeah, yeah ... I can hear all of you saying what was with all the Jock files and the desire to be a dumb-as-shit jock?  Well, in case I forgot to write about that, the Jock files stopped working when I got back into listening to hypnofiles after taking a few years off to take care of Mom, who had developed Alzheimer's.  Doing that 24/7 for a few years took its toll on me.

Eventually, Mom put herself in a nursing home; I got the house ready to sell, I moved to a smaller place, sold the house, and eventually, Mom died.

I started using WMM files again.  I found out the Jock files that worked so well before didn't work any longer.  I used some non-Jock WMM files to determine if all hypnosis files that were not working or if it was only some Jock files that would not work.  I never found out why certain Jock files were not working. However, non-Jock files worked fine.

Life was rather boring.  I rather appreciated boring, er, sedate.  I needed nothing to do for a while. Well, my life had been too sedate or ordinary or something and my let's-fuck-with-my-mind fairy decided to have some fun.  She whacked my Scales -- I'm a Libra and this was one of those rare (great, but much too rare) periods in my file where everything was "in balance" and peaceful -- hard and set my mind to swinging first to one side, then the other.

After decades of peacefully identifying myself as a gay male, albeit a rather asexual gay male, I had some rather violent upheavals in my life.  For me, the violence was mental, not physical, this time.  The question was poignant and rather strange:  "What if, instead of being gay, I was trans?"  I have no fucking idea where that idea had come from.

My mind wouldn't stop thinking about that.  I kept thinking of things that might support or reject it.  I came to one conclusion.  I had no idea if this was true or not.  I didn't have any idea of how to prove or disprove this.  Being gay?  I could point to certain physical and mental traits.  I was attracted to guys.  I enjoy gay sex.  (I even went out and picked someone up to ascertain if I liked gay sex or the idea of having gay sex.  It's official; I enjoy anal and oral and ... whatever.  I even had some interesting fetishes.) I was, more or less, a twink.  I love musicals.  I dress well.  I am superb at interior decorating.  Mom always asked my advice on what to wear (or buy).  I fit so many gay stereotypes.  I was even femme.  I didn't quite have a limp wrist ... but I had the walk down in elementary school.

But ... everything that "proves" I'm gay could also be used as evidence that I am a trans female in a male body ... a trans woman in a man's body.  Was I an extremely feminine male or a female in the wrong body?

I did whatever I did when I have a problem.  I did some research.  I was trained as a librarian; I love finding out stuff.  This was a great excuse to spend hours on the net looking at obscure websites which had esoteric trivia.  I was in heaven ... I had an excuse to spend hours and days looking at strange sites and weird (even for me) facts.

I won't bore you with the esoterica now.  (I'm not promising about boring you with it later.)  I decided the answer was ... maybe.

I wasn't happy with that answer, either.  I found tests and took them.  One test -- the COGIATI (https://transsexual.org/cogiati/index.php?lang=en) -- kept giving me answers I didn't like.  The test's answer was "maybe" ... and later, possibly ... and later, probably.

Interestingly -- and I just discovered this two hours ago -- I did NOT do what I did when I was asking "What it I'm gay?"  Then, when I was asking if I was gay, I bought every book I could find on being gay, what to expect, the reactions I could expect, everything.  I had a not-so-minor library section of gay non-fiction and gay literature, erotica, and ... well, everything.   When I was looking for information on being gay, I devoured what gay history was available.   I also had information on where to cruise, lists of gay bars, how to cruise (yeah, I was that inexperienced), and everything else I could think of, including the theology of why churches condemned gays (and why they were wrong).

Tonight I read my first book on being trans.  My boyfriend Joe -- an FTM transman -- loaned it to me. He thought I would find it interesting.  I agree; it is fascinating.  It's also the first book I've read on the subject.  Literally.  I have not read one word on what to expect, biographies, or any other non-fiction.  I haven't read any books or articles or websites on any of the various subjects.  Nothing on legalities, no erotica, no fiction ... nothing. Oh, yes, I did some searching and found facts.  What I should expect to go through. What to talk to your therapist about.

I have vast gaps in my knowledge.  I know nothing about the various operations.  I will probably need to undergo at least one or two of them.  My only knowledge of the effects of various hormones is what has happened to me when I took them.  This is not "normal" for me.  Usually, when I am faced with ... something, I am, at least, a walking encyclopedia on the subject.  Sometimes, I could teach a course on the subject.

But being trans?  Other than the basics -- knowing I had to find a therapist and convince him/her [her: Bobbie] that I was a female in a male's body, then find an endocrinologist [Dr. Jesse] who would prescribe the hormones (Hormone Replacement Therapy), and then finally find a surgeon -- I limited my searches to stuff I needed to know.  Where could I find a therapist?  Can I find an endocrinologist who is close and competent?  Maybe even a support group? Things like that.

I have no overwhelming sense of needing to know everything now.  I am totally at ease with finding out what I need to know when I need to know it.  I have never approached any other subject like this.

Now I understand what everyone has been saying since I started taking estradiol on July 28, 2016.  I was "laid back", "calmer", more  "peaceful".

This is kind of overwhelming.

   

        

          

A Possible Solution

So ... if the files I want to work aren't working any longer, what do I do?

I start thinking.  Now, when I think, it's not your garden variety "thinking".  It's much more than a meta-analysis of what happened.

I started at the beginning, which is always a good place to start.  What was contained in that first Jock file -- TrainTotalJock (TTJ1) -- that got its hooks in me so deeply after one listening?  Well, after listening to the file for so many times -- it was the only file of its kind that I knew about for about a year -- I can more or less break it down into its component parts.

There are the "you love to look the part" suggestions.  Although I buy an occasional tee-shirt and jeans, that isn't a major hook for me.  I quit going to church and never had any great desire to be a fashion plate, especially with the extremely limited areas in a small town to show off how great I look. Showing up at the local part-time gay bar in Armani would not work.  I don't think that's the dress code ... and I am not spending limited cash to get leather gear. As much as I like leather, the opportunities to wear it around here are ... limited.  Besides, I don't drink. Having a father who owns a bar-restaurant and hearing the latest stupid drunk story at the supper table for years on end is not conducive to wanting to drink to excess and become an idiot.

Going out on the town to pick up total strangers for sex is anathema to me. Besides being an introvert, I want to know much more about my "conquests" than their bra size.  In my case, that would need to be changed to cock size; I'm gay.  TTJ1 file never mentions sexual orientation.  The follow-up file to TTJ1, TTJ2, which EMG nicknamed "Train Fratboy" in the introduction, contains about five minutes of suggestions about going out to party.  While partying, you know you are able to pick up any female because you are just so damned hot and sexy.  All you need to do is beckon to them and they eagerly come like a loyal dog to get a treat, your bone(r). Getting someone drunk, taking them somewhere, and raping a boozed-up unconscious female is not my style.  I'm not that kind of dude.

Somebody re-mastered TTJ2 for gay guys and straight guys with morals by removing that specific five minutes of suggestions.  They labeled the file with the obnoxious material removed TTJ2-NoStr8. Everybody knew the "-NoStr8" suffix meant that the undesirable material as gone.

Then there were the "play sports" and "watch sports" suggestions.  Well, I watched some sports, but I was never a rabid fan of any of them.  I never developed a desire to play any sport or lift weights, or even attend local sporting events, like the local hockey team or the high school wrestling teams.
So that was a bust.  I had attended the local hockey team's games for several seasons.  Then they raised to ticket prices so much that going to the games became unaffordable.

Now we're getting down to some throwaway phrases that were inserted as filler.  EMG only mentioned "getting dumber" in one phrase of one sentence.  The sentence goes something like this:  "If you want, your intelligence will decrease."

If I had to choose one part that was causing the files to be ineffective, it would probably be the beer-drinking suggestions.  Though I detest the taste of beer, I do like some wines.  My subconscious is easily competent enough to switch "beer" for "alcoholic beverage" or "wine", so that's not really a good choice.   A good Zinfandel or Reisling is marvelous.  I brewed my own mead (honey wine) at one time.  I just don't drink that much. A glass of wine will last me a long time.  The time between glasses of wine can be measured in years.

I never did figure out what the objectionable suggestions were.  That means that I could not rewrite somebody's jock file to eliminate the objectionable parts ... because I didn't know what the objectionable parts were.

I needed to find out if it was all hypnosis files or just a specific type of file -- the files that turned people into jocks -- was the problem.  So I had to find some files that I was interested in listening to that were not jock files.   

HAPPY HALLOWEEN IN DOMINOES!

Danell Leyva lets loose on parallel bars at gymnastics gala

Danell Leyva lets loose on parallel bars at gymnastics gala

Church Lady Cold Open - SNL